My Postpartum Journey

Every postpartum journey looks and feels different. Like most women, I never thought I would face PPD or PPA--much less both of them.

I am 31 years old, married to my best friend (Willie), and together we have 3 children.
Hayden is the first born and is 8 years old, Turner is our middle child at age 5, and Macey is our little girl at the wild age of age 3!
We live in Bristol, TN and spend our days managing the daily chaos as a family of 5 and you can usually find us at a baseball field!

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My birth and postpartum stories with Hayden & Turner are quite uneventful!
Although, my postpartum journey with Macey was an unexpected emotional battle that I never imagined I would face.
Macey was born on September 20th of 2020. At that time, I was working full time as a registered nurse in the emergency room on the trauma team during the peak of COVID season and healthcare was nothing like it had ever been before. Staffing ratios were unsafe, I was a high risk individual due to being pregnant and the stress of being a frontline worker was inexplainable. The weight of my career while bringing a third child into the world was so heavy.

Just two days before Macey entered our lives, I unexpectedly lost my job. Thats a story for another day, but I truly feel that this event played a large role in my battle with PPD & PPA. I was considered unemployed and uninsured the day she was born. I spent the first two days of her life writing an appeal letter and planning/scheduling a meeting with human resources in an effort to fight for my nursing career.

Macey faced a few health concerns after birth and we were informed that she had a PDA (patent ductus arteriosus), which is an extra blood vessel found in babies before birth or just after birth. In most babies who have an otherwise normal heart, the PDA within the heart will shrink and close on its own in the first few days of life--which for Macey, thankfully, this was the case.

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Although Macey was having trouble breastfeeding, suffering from major drops in her O2 saturations and a known heart defect at birth, all I could think about was "How are we going to be able to support our children and pay the bills if I don't have a job? What are we going to do?"
I was consumed with the fear of the unknown while holding a brand-new baby girl in my arms and two big brothers waiting for us to come home.

Once we arrived home, the anxiety and stress reached an all-time high. I was having trouble bonding with Macey, my body wasn't responding to her cries and touch to stimulate milk let-down to feed her, and Willie had returned to work as a Flight Paramedic to bring in as much money as he could to support us, and the boys were in school during the day.
It was just Macey and I at home during the day and I was overwhelmed with guilt, resentment and complete exhaustion from lack of sleep.

Less than a week after her birth I had a meeting (newborn in tow) with human resources and the Chief Nursing Officer for the appeal process. I was an emotional mess but received a call the following day that my case was heard and accepted, and my termination had been revoked. I excitedly returned to work the next week (just two weeks after giving birth).

I was so concerned about my career, supporting my family and being financially stable that I didn't even realize the lack of bonding happening between Macey and I. My mind was in a totally different place.

My first day back to work was a long 14-hour shift. I returned home to my husband and children and didn't even acknowledge Macey. I walked right past her in her bassinet and hugged my toddlers. They were smiling and telling me how much they had missed me. She was fussing a little and I asked Willie to make her a bottle. I didn't attempt to nurse her or even hold her to soothe her. This was the exact moment that I became aware that something was wrong--but I didn't utter a word about it about how I was feeling or the thoughts racing through my mind.

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I was an ER nurse. I knew what would happen.
I would express my feelings, be offered some type of medication, go through a screening process, wait for a psychiatric evaluation, be offered therapy of some kind, have multiple follow-up appointments--all while feeling extremely judged and insecure.

I didn't want anyone to feel that I was an unfit mother. I didn't want my husband to worry about me. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me or checking on me at all hours of the day.

I didn't want anyone to think I "couldn't handle" being a mother of 3 children, so I put on a smile and hid every bit of the weight I was carrying inside of me.

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As the weeks went on, it became more obvious to Willie that I was struggling. It was clear to him that my relationship with my daughter was not the same as it had been with my newborn boys. He voiced his concerns to me in a very loving, supportive way but I brushed them off and blamed everything on my hormones and said, "I'll be fine, I just need some rest and more time to adjust." He respected me and treaded lightly to avoid making me feel more stressed, but he knew deep down that I wasn't myself at all.

Eventually, (about 6 months later) the anxiety started to fade.
I was less irritable, I wasn't lashing out daily, I was taking better care of myself and enjoying time with Macey again.
I had given up on breastfeeding at this point and was working on letting that guilt go. The days were brighter, and the weight wasn't as heavy anymore. I wasn't hiding behind my smile because I was healing and more present than I had been in months.

I share this to tell you--
YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT!
YOU WILL GET YOUR SMILE BACK!
YOU HAVE SUPPORT!

Behind the Smile was created as a safe place for you or your loved ones to know and feel that they are never alone in their journey.
The resources, stories, education & donations are going to continue to bring awareness to postpartum depression and anxiety around the world.

Your story could be the one that unveils a smile.
You are strong, you are enough, and you are an exceptional mother.
You are so loved, Mama.

Don't ever forget or question that!

You're not alone!

-Lynsey Gollehon
Founder of Behind the Smile
Mrs. Virginia International 2024